(return)

THE EXAM

By Chris Schwager

Script Editor Graeme Beck

FINAL DRAFT

EXT. CANBERRA CITY STREETS. NIGHT

1AM. An umbrella opens and a dark FIGURE crosses the wet deserted street.

INT. BAR. NIGHT

CHAD , BOW and RUSSEL, three desperate university students stand at an empty bar slurring their words and generally making a ruckus. In front of them are three new tequila shots. The BARTENDER serves a cocktail to the only other COUPLE in the deserted bar.

RUSSEL

I went straight up to his office and hit

him with it. I’m like, you don’t know what

the real world’s like? No you don’t, you

just hide behind your desk. Ask any of the

others, they’ll tell you you’re a prick.

                       BOW

No way!

BOW is obviously drunker than the other two and un-experienced in the darker side of alcohol abuse.

CHAD

You really said that...and then what happened?

RUSSEL

Well he, he still failed me, but that’s

not the point you know. I told him where to go.

(Pause)

And that was it.

RUSSEL swigs the last dregs of his beer.

CHAD

Cool story...You’ll be right,

the old prick can’t fail you now!

BOW

Yeah you’ll be right.

RUSSEL licks his palm and adds salt.

RUSSEL

            To the last exam!

He downs a shot.

CHAD then sucks on the lemon.

RUSSEL (putting CHAD down)

Chad ...salt first mate.

CHAD (confused)

Yeah I know.

RUSSEL

Salt, tequila second and then lemon...

CHAD downs his tequila the correct way.

CRASH, BANG. Out of shot, BOW has fallen down to the floor taking out a couple of bar stools on the way. The boys look over to where he was standing, and then see him sprawled out on the ground.

CHAD

Are you alright?

RUSSEL

[Shouting to the empty room]

It’s O.K, it’s taken care of! As you were...

BOW

(Holding up his footy scarf)

Canberra...RULES! Yooo!

EXT. MOTEL. DAY

A deserted Motel. An ETHNIC CLEANER knocks repeatedly on the boy’s door.

INT. MOTEL. ROOM

The three guys lay sprawled out in the untidy room which is littered with beer cans and pizza boxes. The TV, still running from the night before, squawks Burt’s Good Morning Australia.

The boys are pickled from the night on the piss. CHAD is crashed in the only chair with a beer can still in his hand.

CLEANER (O/S)

              You got to go. You leave now.

              I clean room.

CHAD slowly opens a blood shot eye and the blood pressure from an almighty hangover paralyses his head in pain. He then painfully brings his watch up to his blurry vision. After a moment he understands the time.

CHAD

Damn it!

He jumps up he knocks over a lamp which CRASHES into a large pile of beer cans the boys have stacked up.  These tumble over a comatose BOW who is crashed on the floor, not stirring him.

RUSSEL is on the only bed, he opens his hung over eyes and also slowly checks his watch.

                        RUSSEL

            Fuck!

EXT. MOTEL. DAY

As the CLEANER waits impatiently, RUSSEL and CHAD race out the door with hastily packed overnight bags. They jump in the front of their car. A very fragile BOW follows.

INT. CAR. DAY

                        RUSSEL

              Come on! Hurry up!

BOW crawls into the back seat and gingerly closes the door, the sound throbbing through head.

                        CHAD

              Mate, you look terrible.

                        RUSSELL

              What’s the matter with you?

              Did you get a dodgy prawn

              or something?

The car SCREECHES away from the Motel.

EXT. HIGHWAY. DAY

The car travels along the highway at high speed, overtaking vehicles.

INT. CAR. DAY

BOW is being thrown around the back seat and looking extremely ill.

          BOW

Pull over I’m going to be sick!

EXT. ROADSIDE. DAY

The car SCREECHES to a halt, BOW opens the back door and throws up.

INT. CAR. DAY

After a decent chuck, BOW slowly sits upright, vomit dripping down his shirt. Not a well man.

RUSSEL, annoyed by the delay, puts the car into gear. BOW rolls out the back door again and chucks up.

RUSSEL

              Oh, bloody hell.

After a while he stops.

                        RUSSEL

              You right now?

The nausea rises again and he’s off again.

RUSSEL checks his watch.

                        RUSSEL

              Shit!

          CHAD

Why don’t we just tell the Professor

that we got a flat?

          RUSSEL

No, he won’t buy that.

          CHAD

What about we got a flat and we didn’t

have a jack.

RUSSEL

Yeah, that could work.

(Pause)

And the spare was flat.

RUSSEL reaches for his mobile.

EXT. ROADSIDE. DAY

BOW staggers back to the vehicle, looking a little better and gets in.

INT. CAR. DAY

RUSSEL (on mobile)

Professor Bentley. It’s Russel McGee here

and I have Bow and Chad with me Sir and

we’ve run in to car trouble this morning Sir.  

(Pause)

A lot of car trouble Sir.

(Pause)

Well Bow and Chad were helping me move

my grand mother into a nursing home Sir.

(Pause)

It’s in, arr, Cessnock Sir.

But on the way back, and we left very

early this morning, we had a flat tyre.

BOW has another nausea attack, but only gets as far as opening the door before another barrage of last night’s excess departs.

          RUSSEL

Can you hang on one second Sir? [Holds the microphone]

BOW continues being sick followed by an ensemble of coughing. It finally stops.

RUSSEL (cont’d)

Sorry about that. Yeah, well, we encountered

a flat, but when we went to change it we

discovered that the spare was flat too.

So we had to hitch a ride back into town

and wait till the garage opened. And now

we’re come back Sir we’ve discovered we

don’t have a jack.

There’s a long pause as the Professor gives RUSSEL a hard time.

                        RUSSEL (cont’d)

Thank you Sir, thanks very much!

CHAD

Well?

RUSSEL

Taken care of mate!

CHAD

Well what did he say?

RUSSEL

Mate... it’s taken care of, he said

we can sit the exam tomorrow.

EXT. SYDNEY UNIVERSITY. DAY

A busy campus.

INT. LECTURE THEATRE

Three lonely figures sit in the large auditorium killing time. At last a stern and grey haired PROFESSOR BENTLEY strides in with several exam papers.

PROFESSOR

Right you three, glad you could

finally make it.

The PROFESSOR throws a paper to CHAD .

PROFESSOR (Cont’d)

You’re in Lecture Theatre three Milton.

The PROFESSOR throws another paper to BOW.

                        PROFESSOR (Cont’d)

              You look terrible Dudley, what

              happened to you?

                        BOW

              I think I ate a dodgy prawn sir.

                        PROFESSOR

              You’re in theatre two.

He throws another paper to RUSSEL.

                        PROFESSOR (Cont’d)

              (Sarcastically)

              It’s multiple choice, so you

              should find this one rather easy.

Russell looks confidently over to Chad and Bow. 

PROFESSOR (Cont’d)

And give me your mobiles.

They all reluctantly hand over their phones.

INT. THEATRE 3. DAY

CHAD opens the exam.

                        CHAD

              Which tyre was flat?

INT. THEATRE 2. DAY

BOW

What service station was it?

INT. THEATRE 1. DAY    

                        RUSSEL            

You bastard!

CUT TO BLACK.

THE END.

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